Tis the Season...

Tis the season of great joy and sadness in our house. I have been doing normal holiday activities, such as baking cookies, decorating the tree and sending Christmas cards. But as I'm doing all of these things, it all feels so different. It is so strange feeling two different emotions so strongly.

I feel happiness and joy for the coming holiday season, because Courtney is so excited about the tree and the cookies and Christmas cards. She is always full of energy and ready to give a hug. She even understands in a small way, about giving presents to other people, and she is happy to do so. That makes me very excited. I love that she is starting to understand from a young age, that giving is very important. She is also learning patience this season, because she has seen all the presents she is getting, (very bad hiding on my part.) Every once in awhile, she will ask if she can play with one of the presents. I always tell her no, and that she needs to wait until Christmas. She accepts that answer, and in another day or so, will ask again. I think it is great she continues wait with excitement, but that she is also learning, good things come to those who wait. She is also very excited about Christmas being Jesus' birthday. She loves birthdays. It doesn't matter whose birthday, or how we are celebrating, she just knows it is a day to be happy and sing. I am looking forward to hearing her sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. All of these things have me excited and looking forward to this season. Not only seeing Courtney grow and learn and understand about Christmas, but this year, we will be able to spend time with both mine and Nathan's families. We have many great things to look forward to this season.

Most of the time I can go through a normal day, and be fine. And then there are days, when it feels like someone hit me in the stomach, and it even hurts breath. Most often, those moments come when Courtney is at school and Nathan is at work and I am at home, alone, doing a whole lot of nothing. I think the part that sucks the most, is, since we have moved recently, we are still trying to find a church and build relationships. So when I can stop my mind from going back over and over again about Keegan, I don't really have someone to hang out with and get my mind on something else. For those of you who know me, know I don't talk on the phone. Don't ask me why, I can't explain it, but I am not the girl who sits on the phone all day talking. If I call someone, it is because I have a question or I am trying to make plans. I hardly ever just call to chat. With that being said, and not having anyone here to hang out with, makes for some lonely afternoons. Most of those afternoons recently I have been spent thinking how different this Christmas is going to be. And how I ache to have Keegan here. After Keegan passed away, there were two days I was not looking forward to. The first was his second birthday, and the second was Christmas. But I know that it has to happen at some point. Time doesn't stand still. I am happy to be spending it with family. And looking at the past four months, has made me realize, Christmas will come and I will hurt, but Keegan is happy celebrating with Jesus, and knowing that makes me stronger.