Trusting God

I can't believe a year has gone by since Keegan passed away. It's strange how that one event becomes the point in time which you measure everything else.

Most of you know Keegan's story, but here is a basic recap for all the new blog readers. Keegan was born with a heart defect and had 3 open heart surgeries and multiple cardiac tests and procedures done. At the beginning of July last year, Keegan started having heart failure and was put in the Cardiac ICU at Children's Hospital Boston. After doing many more tests, Keegan was placed on the heart transplant list. He was on the list for 5 days when on the evening of July 28, he went into cardiac arrest and was put on life support. After many more tests and brain scans, we found out Keegan had no brain activity. Our decision to turn off Keegan's life support was made on July 30, and at 3:17 pm, the machines were turned off. Keegan would have turned two less than a month later.

As I am reflecting that time then and now living the same day a year later, I've realized I need God now just as much as I need Him then. My trust in God has grown. I know that when things in my life crash down around me, God will be there to pick me, give me strength and encouragement. Many people always tell me,"they could never go through what I have," and "what an incredible strong person I am." But that takes so much away from the One who actually got me through that time. I am not responsible for my strength or courage, I give all that glory to God. He is the only one who has the power to heal and comfort my heart. I praise Him for staying with me and healing my heart one day at a time.

I wrote this to a friend not long after Keegan passed away.

When Keegan had his very first surgery at 4 days old, I realized, this could go horribly bad. If something did happen, I wanted to be prepared. I wanted God to prepare me. As it turned out, everything went fine. In fact for all his surgeries, things went great. I think I have always felt like I should still pray for God to prepare me for when He took Keegan to His arms. So I have prayed for almost 23 months for God to prepare me for if and when Keegan should pass away. I have worked really hard to make my self understand that Keegan was only mine to protect and love while he was on this earth, and that he was never really mine, but God's child. I don't understand why God took my baby boy, but here I am every night praying God will bless us and continue to help me heal. I think because I have prayed for so long to be prepared for Keegan's death, I was. I was not ready to lose my baby and I was not prepared to let him go, but I was prepared in my faith in God. I know God does things for his purposes. After Keegan went into cardiac arrest, and I got to see him, I knew he was already gone. I felt God telling me to give him as many earthly kisses as I could, because he was already in God's arms. God has given me peace every time my mind wanders and I think about the "what ifs." I also have a strong feeling that Keegan would not have done well with a heart transplant. I really believe if Keegan would've had a good life with a transplant, then God wouldn't have taken him. I believe God knew the pain and frustration Keegan would feel and saved him from it.


I want people to see what God can do if you trust in Him with everything. And that is what I have learned this year. I trust God with my heart, and He never lets me fall. Even during my darkest days I never hit rock bottom, because you can't hit bottom if God is holding you. Which reminds me of a wonderful song sung by Natalie Grant titled Held.

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

Cup of Comfort

I realize I have been horrible at keeping my blog updated. So sorry to those of you who check in regularly to see if anything is new. Things around here are going good. Courtney finished school and is now on summer break. She does not like it at all. She is constantly asking me if she can go see if school is open yet. Her other favorite question is, Is it August yet?, because school starts in August. It has been a long 2 weeks, and summer has just begun.

We are planning a trip to Texas this summer and I am very excited. I love the sunshine and the heat. Bring it on! My biggest complaint about living so far north is the cold weather. I always feel like I can never get warm enough when it is cold outside.

We also got some wonderful news today, we heard baby number 3's heart beat. It was such a blessing to be able to relax and to know everything is going well. We have so many wonderful people praying for us. What a blessing it is to share this joy with so many people.

If you every read my facebook or myspace status updates, you'll notice I often mention Starbucks. I always just assumed I really liked Starbucks. Well a few weeks back, I was driving around thinking about Keegan and feeling kinda down and my next thought was I need to go to Starbucks. Which stopped me cold suddenly. It wasn't I want or would like Starbucks, it was I need to go to Starbucks. Now why would my thinking about Keegan and feeling a little sad then jump to a need to go to Starbucks?

It really got me thinking about this and what was my real reason for going to Starbucks. It's not that I don't enjoy Starbucks coffee, I think it is the best coffee out there. But I knew there was something deeper than just a love for Starbucks coffee.

So lets go back to the beginning of my Starbucks trips. I started randomly going to Starbucks after Keegan was born. But I was only going like once every 6 months. My Starbucks trips started to pick up when Keegan went in to the hospital to have his 3 heart surgery. There is a Starbucks across the street from the hospital. But again, that wasn't an everyday thing.

What really got me going to Starbucks was when Keegan went into the hospital at the beginning of July. Things got so bad so fast, and the waiting for tests and decisions seem so overwhelming, my only brief breaks were those I took to Starbucks. It was my 5 minutes to relax and forget the world around me.

When things with Keegan got from bad to my worst nightmare, Starbucks was there. When my world was crumbling around me and everything seemed unsure, Starbucks was constant. I could go into a Starbucks and I could get my normal drink and for that 5 minutes my world wasn't falling apart. It was my cup of comfort.

So after realizing what my emotional attachment is to Starbucks, it made sense why I run to Starbucks whenever I was having a bad day. Starbucks is more than just a cup of coffee to me, it is a tangible piece of comfort. It is my cup of comfort.

Hey there Blog readers

I have not forgotten my blog readers, and sorry I've kept you in the dark so long. Things are going good here. It seems I am just sitting around waiting for spring to finally take hold. We get nice weather here and there, but I want more green. None of our trees have leaves yet, and some days it feels like we are stuck in winter.

We made a trip out to see Keegan's headstone at the end of March. It looks great and we really feel at peace now that there are no "loose ends" regarding Keegan. I can't really describe how it feels or what it means to me to see Keegan's headstone. It's one of those things that brings mixed emotions.


Courtney is doing great. She had Spring Break this past week, and has told me she doesn't like Spring Break, because it is boring. She would much rather go to school and socialize with her friends. Very much a girl thing. I did get her hair cut this week. Nothing drastic, just 3 inches off the bottom. Her hair was always getting tangled, and now it's easier to brush.

I have been taking lots of picture recently. We bought a new camera back in September, and I have fallen in love with it all over again. So here are some pictures I took. Hope you like them.

It's finished

We got a call today from the place that was etching Keegan's headstone, and it's finished. I'm so happy. Not really sure why. But I feel peaceful and relaxed- things I can't explain. It hasn't been placed at his grave yet. But that will happen shortly after we give the finally thumbs up. Here are some pictures Nathan's parents sent us.

Recently

I have been lacking motivation to actually get on here and update my blog. But I set time aside today to do just that. So here I am. Hello blog readers!

I recovered from my surgery without any more surprises. Life should have gotten back to normal, but a couple of days after I came home from the hospital, Courtney got sick. She had a really bad cough and cold. We took her to the ER on Tuesday, February 17, because she had a really high fever and wouldn't stop coughing. After being checked over by the doctor and having a chest x-ray, the doctor said she just had a bad cough and cold, and sent Courtney home on Motrin.

By Thursday, Courtney wasn't any better, and was miserable. I took her to the Pediatrician on Friday morning to be checked out again. The Pediatrician looked over Courtney's chest x-ray she had done at the ER and listened to her lungs and told us Courtney had walking pneumonia. He also told us the ER doctor should have noticed Courtney had walking pneumonia from the x-ray. Courtney was sent home on medicine, and started feeling better the next day.

Last week we saw a Mini Husky in the mall, and we really wanted it. However, we did not want to pay the ridiculous price for a puppy. We looked online for a breeder, only to find out that Alaska Klee Kai's (official breed name), is a very rare breed, and therefore the puppies are hard to come by, and even more expensive. I then decided to look on Craig's list for a puppy. We found a boxer-lab mix that was very cute. We picked her up, and brought her home only to realize we didn't want another big dog. What we really wanted was an Alaskan Klee Kai. After spending about a week with her, we decided to give her away to another family. So for a short week, we had a cute puppy to play with, but in the end, we made the best decision for our family.

heartbroken

Life is a funny and unexpected thing. It can many times leave you feeling confused and out of place. I have felt that and much more this past year. Losing Keegan was like losing an arm. It took me a while to figure out how to function with out him around. But God is good, and he saw me through.

Now I am facing yet another loss. And I feel like I have been thrown back into all the chaos and confusion all over again. I should be about 9 weeks pregnant, and today was my first doctor's appointment, however, after doing an ultrasound, there was no heart beat. This is my second miscarriage and just as heart breaking as the first. Trying to figure why this happening and what God has planned, is very frustrating. I know I don't understand why this is happening, and I wish I could see a light at the end of this tunnel of heartbreak, but I will continue to look to God for answers and pray that he will give me heart's desires.

I am going to have a D&C on Thursday afternoon, and I have pre-op testing tomorrow. Please pray for us, as we begin to heal again.

6 months ago

It's hard to believe that this Friday will mark six months since Keegan passed away. Sometimes it seems so much longer than that, and other days, it seems like it happened yesterday. So much of our lives has changed since then, and I always think if Keegan were here now our lives would be totally different. Keegan would love our house in Ohio, but if he were alive, we wouldn't even be living in Ohio. And when Courtney and I were down in Texas, I kept thinking how much he would have loved going to Seaworld, but chances are, we would have never gone to Texas if he was alive. All of this makes me realize, that life does go on, and it's okay. I really don't think Keegan would want us to stop living life, just because he is not physically here to share it with us. I know he is always with me. The most important thing to me is that I know he is so happy now being with Jesus. And knowing that, makes everything a little easier.

The other night, as I was laying in bed waiting for sleep to come, I started thinking about Keegan, and what it must have been like to go to heaven. Now, I am in no way a poet, but this is what jumped in my head while thinking.

What Jesus Would Have Said to Keegan:
The time has come for you to come home
Don’t worry, I won’t leave you all alone
Your life brought glory to My name
And lives are forever changed
Your mommy will miss you
And your daddy will too
But do not be afraid
They know in My arms is where you’ll stay
And don’t worry about the tears they cry
For a day will come when those I will dry
Just take My hand and hold on tight
You’ve done so well and fought a good fight
The pain is over, the struggle is through
And I am keeping My promise I made to you
Thank you for being a child of God
And for showing the love I am made of
Now’s your time to be with Me
Time to come home, just where you should be