Trusting God
I can't believe a year has gone by since Keegan passed away. It's strange how that one event becomes the point in time which you measure everything else.
Most of you know Keegan's story, but here is a basic recap for all the new blog readers. Keegan was born with a heart defect and had 3 open heart surgeries and multiple cardiac tests and procedures done. At the beginning of July last year, Keegan started having heart failure and was put in the Cardiac ICU at Children's Hospital Boston. After doing many more tests, Keegan was placed on the heart transplant list. He was on the list for 5 days when on the evening of July 28, he went into cardiac arrest and was put on life support. After many more tests and brain scans, we found out Keegan had no brain activity. Our decision to turn off Keegan's life support was made on July 30, and at 3:17 pm, the machines were turned off. Keegan would have turned two less than a month later.
As I am reflecting that time then and now living the same day a year later, I've realized I need God now just as much as I need Him then. My trust in God has grown. I know that when things in my life crash down around me, God will be there to pick me, give me strength and encouragement. Many people always tell me,"they could never go through what I have," and "what an incredible strong person I am." But that takes so much away from the One who actually got me through that time. I am not responsible for my strength or courage, I give all that glory to God. He is the only one who has the power to heal and comfort my heart. I praise Him for staying with me and healing my heart one day at a time.
I wrote this to a friend not long after Keegan passed away.
When Keegan had his very first surgery at 4 days old, I realized, this could go horribly bad. If something did happen, I wanted to be prepared. I wanted God to prepare me. As it turned out, everything went fine. In fact for all his surgeries, things went great. I think I have always felt like I should still pray for God to prepare me for when He took Keegan to His arms. So I have prayed for almost 23 months for God to prepare me for if and when Keegan should pass away. I have worked really hard to make my self understand that Keegan was only mine to protect and love while he was on this earth, and that he was never really mine, but God's child. I don't understand why God took my baby boy, but here I am every night praying God will bless us and continue to help me heal. I think because I have prayed for so long to be prepared for Keegan's death, I was. I was not ready to lose my baby and I was not prepared to let him go, but I was prepared in my faith in God. I know God does things for his purposes. After Keegan went into cardiac arrest, and I got to see him, I knew he was already gone. I felt God telling me to give him as many earthly kisses as I could, because he was already in God's arms. God has given me peace every time my mind wanders and I think about the "what ifs." I also have a strong feeling that Keegan would not have done well with a heart transplant. I really believe if Keegan would've had a good life with a transplant, then God wouldn't have taken him. I believe God knew the pain and frustration Keegan would feel and saved him from it.
I want people to see what God can do if you trust in Him with everything. And that is what I have learned this year. I trust God with my heart, and He never lets me fall. Even during my darkest days I never hit rock bottom, because you can't hit bottom if God is holding you. Which reminds me of a wonderful song sung by Natalie Grant titled Held.
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
Most of you know Keegan's story, but here is a basic recap for all the new blog readers. Keegan was born with a heart defect and had 3 open heart surgeries and multiple cardiac tests and procedures done. At the beginning of July last year, Keegan started having heart failure and was put in the Cardiac ICU at Children's Hospital Boston. After doing many more tests, Keegan was placed on the heart transplant list. He was on the list for 5 days when on the evening of July 28, he went into cardiac arrest and was put on life support. After many more tests and brain scans, we found out Keegan had no brain activity. Our decision to turn off Keegan's life support was made on July 30, and at 3:17 pm, the machines were turned off. Keegan would have turned two less than a month later.
As I am reflecting that time then and now living the same day a year later, I've realized I need God now just as much as I need Him then. My trust in God has grown. I know that when things in my life crash down around me, God will be there to pick me, give me strength and encouragement. Many people always tell me,"they could never go through what I have," and "what an incredible strong person I am." But that takes so much away from the One who actually got me through that time. I am not responsible for my strength or courage, I give all that glory to God. He is the only one who has the power to heal and comfort my heart. I praise Him for staying with me and healing my heart one day at a time.
I wrote this to a friend not long after Keegan passed away.
When Keegan had his very first surgery at 4 days old, I realized, this could go horribly bad. If something did happen, I wanted to be prepared. I wanted God to prepare me. As it turned out, everything went fine. In fact for all his surgeries, things went great. I think I have always felt like I should still pray for God to prepare me for when He took Keegan to His arms. So I have prayed for almost 23 months for God to prepare me for if and when Keegan should pass away. I have worked really hard to make my self understand that Keegan was only mine to protect and love while he was on this earth, and that he was never really mine, but God's child. I don't understand why God took my baby boy, but here I am every night praying God will bless us and continue to help me heal. I think because I have prayed for so long to be prepared for Keegan's death, I was. I was not ready to lose my baby and I was not prepared to let him go, but I was prepared in my faith in God. I know God does things for his purposes. After Keegan went into cardiac arrest, and I got to see him, I knew he was already gone. I felt God telling me to give him as many earthly kisses as I could, because he was already in God's arms. God has given me peace every time my mind wanders and I think about the "what ifs." I also have a strong feeling that Keegan would not have done well with a heart transplant. I really believe if Keegan would've had a good life with a transplant, then God wouldn't have taken him. I believe God knew the pain and frustration Keegan would feel and saved him from it.
I want people to see what God can do if you trust in Him with everything. And that is what I have learned this year. I trust God with my heart, and He never lets me fall. Even during my darkest days I never hit rock bottom, because you can't hit bottom if God is holding you. Which reminds me of a wonderful song sung by Natalie Grant titled Held.
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
posted by Lembkes at
7:37 AM
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3 Comments
